Escapril 2021 - Days 1 to 10

If you follow me on Instagram, you will have noticed that I have been posting poems everyday for April, as part of #escapril2021. For those of you who don't know, Escapril is a poetry/creative challenge, created by Savannah Brown, a British poet and author. This challenge encourages everyone to write everyday for the month of April. Each day comes with a new prompt that can be interpreted many different ways.

If you want, you can find the prompts here.

I am taking part in this challenge and will be posting ten poems every ten days on my blog, though if you want to, you can also find them on my Instagram.

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Day 1 – Ego

my philosophy teacher said that ego meant self my-self something that is mine, part of me whole

if it is true, then my ego is like a piece of string never twice the same, inconstant, and hard to break but easy to burn

and how burnt it was when you turned your back on me leaving bright red fire in your wake, until it was nothing but ashes

Day 2 – The exact middle

they say that the heart of a hurricane is quiet that among the madness, and the noise and the chaos you will find peace in the middle of it all

i let myself cling to that image as you stand here facing me

your words feel like papercuts and emotions rise too much too fast as i clutch my arm though i don’t feel a thing

i desperately try to find it this inner quiet to drown out your voice wondering if like a hurricane i will find my own tranquillity in the middle of it all

Day 3 – Empty except for…

when i was 18 i broke my ankle, a hairline fracture they called it so small, like the crack on my favourite cup when it couldn’t hold my favourite tea anymore

i wondered if i was like that too if my soul had left my body, slipping through that tiny crack emptying itself until there was none of me left

maybe it would explain why it was easier to stay in bed or why i faked a cough or a headache when all i felt was nothing

i’m 21 now, and sometimes my ankle hurts i wonder is the crack still here? i check in with myself, look for that numbness that never left and realize that numb doesn’t mean empty

Day 4 – Ghost

i have a hard time letting go of the past i lie in bed at night surrounded by the ghosts of my mistakes of my old self of the darkest parts of me

my therapist asked what i would say to someone else who did what i did who survived what i did

i’m sorry you went through this i forgive you

then she asked if you can forgive a stranger why can’t you forgive yourself?

Day 5 – Here’s what I remember

late night conversations talking about us about you by my side as we grow as we learn as we become the best versions of ourselves

open-mouthed smiles laughter as we lay in the sun promises of forever

but what about the rest? what about the hurt when you disappeared for weeks again and again, when i came to you crying and you asked me to talk to someone else?

yes, i remember the good times but what remains, like a bitter taste in my mouth, is a goodbye

Day 6 – (L)on(e)ly

i used to think something was wrong with me because i never felt more lonely than when i was with them

we were never an us, that much was clear and when they started to shift the blame to point to me for their mistakes i believed them

i could have left but i stayed, because it was easier to be lonely than to be alone

Day 7 – Naked

like a purring machine against the quiet and darkness of the night

fingertips on naked skin bringing comfort to my wired brain

between two worlds, of mind and body intertwined

Day 8 – Tesselation

i believe in soulmates, not lovers, star-crossed, who cannot live without the other, but a connection so deep that knowing you for seconds felt like knowing you for years

life without you wasn’t incomplete, meeting you didn’t make me feel whole, we weren’t two parts of the same broken plate,

but the way our souls fit together like two artworks breath-taking by themselves shining as brightly combined makes me feel like i was meant to be next to you

Day 9 – Paradox

i look in the mirror, believing that the girl i see is worthy and beautiful.

i stand in front of them and feel their every glance their every move i hear them whispering and laughing.

i believe that the girl they see isn’t worthy nor beautiful.

Day 10 – I’m worried about her

‘i’m worried about her’ i hear my mom whisper to my dad after i went to bed

‘i’m worried about her’ i tell my therapist when she asks me to talk to my younger self

i leave home for the first time not knowing when i’ll be back ‘i’m not worried about her’ i hear my mother whisper to my dad ‘i’m not worried about her’ i say to my past and future selves.